Insecurity

insecurity
ˌɪnsɪˈkjɔːrɪti,ˌɪnsɪˈkjʊərɪti
noun

1.
uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence.

synonyms: lack of confidence, lack of self-confidence, self-doubt, diffidence, unassertiveness, humility, humbleness, meekness, timidity, timidness, timorousness, uncertainty, nervousness, hesitancy, inhibition, self-consciousness.

2.
the state of being open to danger or threat; lack of protection.

synonyms: unstable, unsecured, loose, rickety, rocky, wobbly, shaky, unsteady, precarious.

Now, we all go through some states of being insecured. Having that anxiety attacks our inner. Not being able to listen to the true self of our strengths but somehow just focus on our fears and uncertainties.

I tried to look it up in Google about how they describe or define the state of insecurity. They did a very good job explaining it. But they didn't get to the core of how it is to be feeling insecured.

They should have posted some states of;

"What if I am living a lie where I am telling myself that life could get better?"

"Finding myself in a room with those corners in each side gets me to an anxiety attack. The question is why?"

"Am I doing the right thing?"

"Will I be feeling secured again, knowing that the feelings that I will be feeling is either the opposite of each feeling; happy or sad, up or down, disappointed or encouraged, needed or unneeded, empty or contented, peaceful or insecured."

"What if no matter how hard I try, I know its never going to be good?"

"What if it doesn't work the way it is supposed to be?"

" What if it doesn't come out the way I wanted it to be?"

"What if I get hurt in the process and there will be no one there?"

"WHAT IF?"

The insecurities that have been stirring up my mind, or everybody else's in this tiny little globe basically and most probably come from those two words.

Being ashamed to go for something that makes us feel encouraged because we know how it feels to lose.

Being scared to try for something that makes us happy because we know how it feels to be sad.

Being shaky to embrace for someone that makes us feel appreciated because we know how it feels to be unfairly treated.

Being sceptical to accept for something that has values in our life because we know how it feels to be the victim of lies.

Being static to explore the possibilies that might bring us to a higher point just because we know how it feels to be underestimated.

Now, let me say that those lists will never end. Unless we die. Naturally. Not artificially. If you know what I am saying with the artificials. But then, dont you think it is somewhat weirdly nice to live naturally with the feeling of being insecured so we dont take things for granted? As life was not given to us by just granted in a flick of a finger.

Life is such a rollercoaster ride that we go up and down, turned upside down and 360 degrees some it would happen. But in the end, we would get to the end point of that feeling.

I MADE IT THROUGH.
It was a hell of a ride, fun one, exciting one, scary and crazy one. But,

I
HAVE
MADE
IT
THROUGH

,and I have the power to decide to survive and make it to the finish point or I could have just jumped out from the ride and finish it off during the ride.

Memories....

I found myself this moment, in front of my diary pad, that I have not written for so long. The last one was almost a year ago. I asked myself why. Have I lost the passion to write. Have I changed to this person who does not appreciate the art of writing anymore. I know that I have not read any books for so long.

But I have just realised, that day I read through my diary. It was piercing painful dare I say it that I have been going through some painful experiences. The memories that were written were all important. It stopped me writing. And it took me this long to even dare to write again.

There are few stages I can say that have been captured in my diary.

For one, I lost a dear lover that I myself played the part of a hero to save the other party's heart and soul so it won't be hurt. Turn out, we both were hurt and there's nothing left as we both left. That was one of the most painful experience I went through.

For the second one, I began losing my will to see the future. The passions and hopes I have been holding on. Reality does tend to suck my hopes and wills. I even stopped picturing what my future could be, as picturing them has been the strategy I have to make a lovely piece in my life. Sadly, I am still coping with this stage and still figuring out.

And last, I know now that I have passed and this stage is the key that gets me to the point of knowing how it feels to feel contented. The whole of my life, I have been torturing and beating myself up just because according to the society, being proud of who you are and just because being different is wrong. But not anymore. I have come to understand, people in general don't like something different just because they get uncomfortable with differences and just because they are the one who sadly is uncomfortable on their own skin. Being true and love the way I am without even giving any spaces for rude judgments and childish labelling has opened up a wide awesome chapter in my life now.

But again, back to why I stopped writing. Turns out, I have been writing not just because I love writing. But because I have been trying to look for answers. By writing, I get to write down and lay all the questions and answers out. It was all over the place and messy I would say.

But those tangled and messy phases and stages have dissolved to this beautiful pieces of memories. Memories that I treasure so much, that I am not ashamed of. That I am not scared of. That I am not confused anymore.

That I now know, those memories are the answer to all. The answer that lead me to one answer, me. I am the answer. I can be all A to Z in one day or a month or even a year. But it all concluded in me.

There is no such things as question to an answer or vice versa. That is how those memories have taught me, to live life without questioning and even dare to answer one.

Its extremely rare...but it exists.

The windmill of the famous Moulin Rouge stands proudly distracting my amazement of the busy roads in downtown Paris. Winds and rains are doing their duty to ruin the day. But the windmill stays there. Silently. Such a beauty. Covering up how busy the performers of the Moulin Rouge dancers inside. Fooling every person looking or even just passing by. But when I paid attention closely, it actually was moving slowly. Never stop. Gracefully.

"Things don't always look like how they seem"

This somehow reminds me of how the world works. Many of human beings live with such rules and regulations that we forget to stop for a while to look inside. To really pay attention of what the first intention of those rules and regulations was made in the first place.

I somehow have been blessed enough to have gone through many ups and downs so that I am able to realise of how amazingly small things could create such big impacts. I thank God for this gift. But for the longest time, I have never really found the purpose of my life. Well, other than to make my family happy and to make my Creator satisfied fully with what I do.

That last point has been tricking me though. It has always been about what I do. I am used to the concept of just do things I could do to make Him happy. At least to the limit of my own capacity. Not that what I have done was ever enough.

But thats it. I thought its only about what I do. Not what I am. What I have been all along.

"Just because everything is changing, it doesn't mean that its never been this way before. "

I have been looking. Searching. Exploring. But I never really see until now. That, what I could do to make me a person is just being me. Whatever rules and regulations have been made for the last two thousand years of sacrifices, I somehow came to this point of being able to see. Not only look. Leave alone all those fears and blessed burdens. Its all about being the real me now.

An opportunity came to me one day and I took the chance. I left all what I have been fighting for the last twenty seven years of my life. And I happily embrace it. I found the point of my life which is being me and this person has the biggest role on lifting me up. Well, if its too big of an expression, I can rephrase that I have found the point of living by living like now. By living my life with someone who embraced me with such big heart.

This person came just out of nowhere. No expectations were made. None whatsoever. Instead, to not believe is a silly thing to do but this person is the actual expectation. Being who I am, real with no pretense is one issue. But being with this person, I could say that its the same with how sometimes things come unexpectedly right in the right moment. In the right place and time. Somehow, the universe seems to be on our side.

The rains were falling heavily by then but it soothed me so profoundly that smiles were not a stranger on my happy smiling face.

I was thinking of this special person. The one who said theres no need of goodbyes. For all other things sooner or later be over but what would happen is any of us would be coming back for each other. For the right reasons, of whatever reasons out there, I do believe the hope. The hope of believing hopes.

None really knows how big of an impact this person has been doing the extraordinaries. Lifting me up. By just being real.

"I'll come back when you call me. No need to say goodbye." Is exactly my reply to.....

"You'll come back. When it's over. No need to say goodbye. "

Those are the lyrics of one song which has a special meaning for this special person of mine. And now, those lyrics have become part of me. Specially placed in my heart. Cheesy is what all this could be but whats there to hide.

No pretense. No false hopes.

There are things happening so extraordinarily that it amazes me. Things that we share in common as well as the things we discuss to have made us quarell, somehow so openly that we trust each other that it won't do us any harms.

A bus passed me by with an advertisement of a movie which was the favorite of this special person. Killed me when i saw it. I could not believe my eyes. Now, I dont see how it could work as a sign. For sign is only a sign. But I dont believe in coincidence. 

That I believe, coincidence is simply just a destined storylines that have been interwined and intersected and were supposed to be one. It may sounds crazy. Insensible. Rare.

But thats the point. For it is extremely rare.
But it exists.

O yes. I almost forgot.
I just looked at the windmill and to tell you the truth, it never actually moved. It was just my mind playing its part.

Somehow, my mind told my eyes that it was moving. It was all in my mind. But hey, does it mean its not real if it only occurs in our mind?

If.

If kisses were to become curses
What am I to do to have requested such luxury?
But for one to have chosen this path
Just to turn away from this fragile heart

If I would have known the future
I would only surrender my all
Like feather, so light so inspired
This self was never prepared such judgmental world

The sweetest words are your touches
The biggest smiles are your warmth
For what I believe is you only
To embrace me the way I am
As I am to you. At once.         

If touches were to become longings
What am I to do to make you mine?
For thousand seconds, I have been breathing you
Turning page of this love predicament

For my heart is not my mind
But your mind is ever my heart.

A clear muddy path

There is this humbled person
Sitting in the corner of a room
Holding up tears running from above
Inhaling was a hard thing to do
Leave alone exhaling is difficult to let go

Being alone is a new thing being welcomed
Though loneliness has been an old friend being despised
Each laughter is an act of desperation
Being forced to act tough for whatever reasons out there

Sacrifices never have been the issue
Both appreciations and praises are not needed
Only once that kneeling down seemed like the only option
Grieving over thousands of never ending prayers
Simply for a single sweatless sleep

Self pity was never introduced
Yet griefs and despairs prison with their sharp fangs
Claws and roars complicate peacefulness
The world spins so hard
That things cant be seen as it should have been seen

Escaping have been practiced
With no one knowing how and when and why it has been done countlessly
Being trapped inside and out
There seem nothing other than to be ready
Preparing one self to embrace whatever comes

Love and hatred could intersect
Building up its walls over reality
Turns out that being sceptic is only natural
Let loving is an act of desperation of being so tired
And hatred has become one's self.

And all in all
It reminds the part of kneeling down
Just because of a request of having a dreamless sleep.
Soundlessly soothing breathe.

Remains unsolved

The presence of human being is in fact a very interesting yet remain as a mystery. I am looking at myself as one creature, being able to express my thoughts into writing...

Thinking about it...
It comes with so many questions.
Many answers as well.

As science could perhaps explain the presence of every human being, of how they stated that electricity combined with the magnetism in our brain...this tangled organ with so many nerves, grouped as a bunch with thousands of sensory, motoric nerves.

It is in fact reasonable enough to explain how human being can feel pain towards their skin as the nerves on the skin send this sensors to the brain. Final result, you will receive a message to acknowledge that pain will invade that certain area.

Funny?

No. What will be funnier is how human sweat when they feel hot. As temperature increases, blood flow faster, heartbeats goes up and everything seem quick.

Now the funny part...
The human being will extract liquids from their pores so that this sweat gland cools down the temperature of the body.

They get wet and cooled down.

Those two examples could be explained in a acceptable reasons but now...the questions remained left behind without answer are far more mysterious.

How do human being cry?
Why do human being cry?
These two different questions will in fact be explained scientifically easy if asked as two different questions.

Human being cry because they feel sad, depressed, happy or even in pain. Tears will be produced and released from the tear ducts, being sent as brain conducts them.

But now...

How and why?

How is it that emotion explained in science?
That certains emotion can create tears to be shed?
And why some could not?
Why is the only questions left.
Not how.

And in the end...
I dont even know why i wrote such unimportant crazy thoughts like this.
Its not how i write.
But why?
:p

Simply a simple expression.

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds. What does love mean?? The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think about love after....

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." - Karl - age 5 

"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings." - Samantha - age 6 

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."- Terri- age 4 

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." - Danny - age 7 

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss." -Emily - age 8 

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."- Noelle - age 7 

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." -Tommy - age 6 

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore. - Cindy - age 8 

"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken." - Elaine-age 5

"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." - Chris - age 8 

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." - Mary Ann - age 4